July 2007

Morality seems to be the big buzzword at the moment. Whether it’s judging Paris Hilton for her many indiscretions or tut-tutting some doped-up cyclist recently banned from the tour de France. It all falls under the same bright neon sign. Picture the ones that are frequently used to attract attention to strip-clubs only this one reads “Morality”.

I believe that we are experiencing something of a Nouveau Morality Movement. Where everyone who is anyone suddenly has a bag of morals. Morals that they believe they need to share with anything that will listen; people, animals, inanimate objects – most notably any mirrors or other reflective surfaces.

The Nouveau Morality Movement finds its strength in numbers and is based on that ancient pyramid scheme mantra – the more people who buy into something the more ‘right’ it must be.

I’m personally not a big believer in those who shout their morals from the rooftops, it’s all a little too fiddler for my liking. Plus I don’t think it works, at least not in the long run.

The reason it fails is because those that end up buying into the hype, buying into others morals don’t really believe in them. When push comes to shove and Paris Hilton is standing in front of a group of people, supposedly morally opposed to her behavior, I guarantee that most of them will faun all over her. Some of them will try get autographs, while others will attempt to cop a feel.

I always believed that in order to turn a man on all I needed to do was remove some or all of my clothing.

I think that I may have under-estimated men.

Looking at it now I realise that perhaps that was a tad naïve. Turning a man on can’t always be as easy as cooking two-minute noodles. At some point one partner is going to have to put in some work. I just never thought that the one partner would be me. Or at least I honestly believed that my work was done once they’d caught a glimpse of my knickers.

Please don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I rate myself. Okay that’s a lie. I do rate myself, just not in an unhealthy, heiress of a hotel-chain, kind of way.

I’m not sure why I have never thought that a man might occasionally need more, for lack of a better word, prepping. Although I suspect it could have something to do with that ‘there’s only enough blood for one’ line. I’ve heard it so often that I suppose I must have assumed that once I removed some clothing blood would logically flow from one area to the next and hey, presto. Like magic, just so not suitable for childrens birthday parties.

Not a bad lesson to learn. It’s probably a good thing to realise that men are also human. I know, shocking isn’t it? Especially considering that some many of them leave the toilet seat up.

Until recently I believed that most men were emotionally retarded. Perhaps that’s a little harsh? Is stupid a less offensive term? I think so. Okay, so I believed the majority of men were emotionally stupid.

For years I’ve thought they, the emotionally challenged men, didn’t know what I meant when I used the word ‘fine’.  I’ve been misled. Deceived into believing that they took it at face value, that they failed to see the depth of that one word. I’ve been convinced that it was lost on them. That it was just another something they forgot to evolve through, much like rugby.

Apparently this is not the case. There are, in fact, a number of men who have been merely faking emotional stupidity. Yes its true. A number of men know exactly what ‘fine’ means. They know the emotional weight this one word carries. They completely grasp its depth. Its meaning, to each sex, does however differs ever so slightly.

To us it means: You’re in big trouble buddy. You should so already know what you’ve done. If you don’t know then you’re in so deep you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.

To men it means: Oh no. I’ve done something [again]. I know I need to ask what’s wrong, but the chances are I’m going to be in bigger trouble because I don’t automatically know the answer. Perhaps it’s best to just take it at face value? Besides the couch is pretty comfortable, and the rugby is on tonight.