September 2007

You’re either a fan of Crocs or your not. I fall into the latter category. I think that Crocs are the second ugliest thing to hit to hits the streets. In case you’re wondering the ugliest thing to hit the streets has definitely been, well I can’t think of anything uglier than Crocs. I suppose that catapults them into first place. Lucky them.

I know they’re comfortable. I actually own a pair. In my defense they were a gift. I would never buy them. I’m struggling even owning up to the fact that I do indeed have my very own plastic slippers. Even taking that into consideration they’re still the ugliest kids on the block and their personality doesn’t quite make up for it. It would be much cheaper to wear Pick ‘n Pay packets on your feet and they’d probably look better.

What’s worse is that the Crocs seem to be spreading. They’ve most recently been spotted in one of New York’s Disney Stores. Gasp. Shock. Horror. This is how all that nonsense with alien vegetation began. Some foreigner thinks it’ll be a good idea to make their new place of residence a little bit more like home. Plants a few Black Wattles and before you know it you’ve got a water shortage issue. Crocs are no different. Before you know it that once thriving fashion metropolis is going to be less like Johannesburg and more like Benoni if you know what I mean.

I believe in sex before marriage.

Right that statement was there to weed out all the elderly, somewhat prudish, readers of this column. Did I say prudish? I did didn’t I. I want you all to know that if I’m ever killed in what looks like a mob hit it was probably the Blue Rinse Brigade that organized it.

Yes I’m being serious. It appears that the little old ladies from the Blue Rinse Brigade have taken a wee bit of a dislike to me. I’ve been ignoring it. I thought I could block it out. I thought it wouldn’t matter. But unfortunately, mostly because I didn’t feel like talking about sex again, I’m forced to write about the Blue Rinse Brigade.

After all I have my very own gran and she’s super lovely. The same cannot, unfortunately, be said of this gaggle of grannies that complains about my column.

Sure on the face of things they look sweet, at least from a distance. They look completely harmless, at least they do with their dentures removed.

I know this isn’t the 60’s. I know that there is this huge pandemic called HIV/Aids. Just because I said that I believed in sex and insisted having it regularly doesn’t mean I sleep around.

Plus I practice safe sex. Yes that means using more than one type of birth control – with at least one being a condom for at least the first 3 months of a relationship. Also I’m also not really into one-night stands. Not because I think there is anything wrong with them. Oh goodness no. I just find that I can’t orgasm unless I’m comfortable with a person. By definition a one-night stand occurs with someone you hardly know. That’s the whole appeal of a one-night stand.

It’s that whole ‘I can do whatever I want because I never have to see the other person again’. Only it doesn’t work that way for me. I think something in my hard-wiring may be a little off.

I find that one of the most appealing aspects of a monogamous relationship is sexual liberation. By this I mean the safe space these kinds of relationships generate that allow me to play and experiment sexually.

How do I put this without offending all the elderly out there, actually if you’ve gotten to this point then you’re obviously not easily offended.